It's been a good three years since I've been gone. Well almost at least. I'm not sure if anyone was even wondering where I was but either way I decided to pen this down. If I am being honest though this is just an open letter from Me to Me. Mainly because I feel like I can not just pretend like this didn't happen and just pick up where I left off. Honestly also because a LOT has changed. A lot of people reassured me that I didn't have to do this but I need to. I am anxious to go on, I have never written something like this ever. Its too personal but without further ado here goes nothing. Here's to Firsts!

Firstly, if you aren't into reading something personal and if that's not why you are here, this post is just not for you. It's totally okay I have lots of other posts you may like, If you are cool with it scroll away but also check the other posts now that you are already here!

So lets go back to where it all started, In the end of 2017 I realized had taken up more than I could chew at college and was doing a diploma in Image Consultation and Soft skills on the weekends. I had given myself almost no down time and like an over worked computer, I crashed. A lot of wheels were set in motion though when I found out our parents wanted to get me married to Shriram (my then boyfriend). Safe to say the least 2018 started in a startle I mean I wasn't even done with college at this point. A 21 year old in 2018 is bound to freak out. A dozen fights and arguments later, I gave in. Everyone around me did remind me all through the year (sometimes too much) that "At least it was the guy I loved."

A lot happened in 2018 post college, tried my hand at a 9-5 that made me miserable and quit. I drowned myself in planning the Wedding, the Honeymoon to Bali and just about everything I could do to take my mind off the fact that I was going to be married at a mere 21.
The wedding, I was convinced I would elope was surprisingly Bomb! All my most favorite people from all stages of life were with us on our special day. Despite being against this whole thing we had the best experience and really felt the love radiating throughout. It was all going to hit me soon.
We fled to Bali had the best time of our lives. I finally got to live out my mother's long time dialogues of "Wear whatever you want with your husband, go wherever you want with your husband, Blah, blah."

5 days after being back from Bali, we moved to Delhi, where I was forced to adult and that's when shit hit the fan. Shriram was a darling through out he quickly learnt my Monica ways, split the chores with me and we learnt cooking together. It was all merry and sweet but I took a while adjusting to the aftermath because this was not a part of my life plan. I had a lot of things I wanted to try before "settling down." I was 21 and barely knew who I was as a person. Now I had to be this whole other person with a new family and start from scratch? Should I be myself and have everyone hate me for being too opinionated, for questioning all the "rules" and just being a woman of the 21st century or am I to pretend to be a "good girl" now and forever?

I don't know if Marriage has a Postpartum but this sure felt like it with a dash of midlife crisis hitting early. I wouldn't feel like leaving home, didn't have friends, didn't feel like talking to my existing friends and always felt judged by people because I was married too early. While all my friends were exploring the world, their careers and partying I was stuck doing the dishes. To make things worse, I couldn't land a decent job and had to attend my Graduation as a married woman. It disgusted me personally, I wanted to run away more than anything. From being the Tomboy who people pegged would be the last person to tie the knot to being the first in my entire batch grossed me out. I would have inner dialogues with the Devil in my head as she took me to a dark place. From being someone who was outgoing, outspoken and free I suddenly felt Trapped. Shriram did everything he could to try get me to cheer up or see the brighter side of things. However, I would just not want to get out of bed and I would skip a couple of meals a day and I would just ball up in bed and bawl for hours. I couldn't understand myself let alone expect Shriram to. I once used to pride myself for being able to NOT show too many emotions and I now was here, a leaking faucet of a person. In any case, I took a whole year to get a grip on myself meanwhile the damage was already done, the sedentary lifestyle that I fostered turned to PCOD and Hyperthyroidism. I blew up like a blowfish.

We had to move houses in Gurgaon for the second time and something about this place was hopeful. It was on the outskirts and overlooked farm land, the sun rose right outside our window filling the house with a heavenly glow. It acted as a Natural alarm as it graced our faces every morning nudging us awake. I had experienced nothing like it. It felt like serenity on the 5th floor. I regained my momentum slowly only for Covid to strike. This environment kept us sane and safe in the shelter of this House which now with time became our Home. I of course spent this year redecorating our entire house and like a lot of people we became plant parents. A lot of things seemed to be going my way I was eating mindfully, started Therapy to help deal with all these emotions and I finally got the opportunity to go study Make-up and Hairstyling at AOFM, Dubai. I had been trying to do so for 2 years at this point and finally everything fell in place. It wasn't the perfect circumstances but it was a perfect experience nonetheless. I received love and support from Family and Friends alike. It meant 2 months away from Shriram though, the hardest 2 months of my life. While I was there we received news from the homeowner of the apartment we had grown to love that they wanted to move in asap. We had to look for houses while in a long distance relationship and decided to just move back into our previous Residential Society. I was heartbroken to leave the house that made my life so much better but alas it had to be done.

Moving 3 times in 3 years is quite an adventure by itself, add a handful of a pandemic on it and that's just splendid. Now that I am back here again into the city the house feels a little less like home in comparison. Don't get me wrong I love the accessibility and the comforts it provides. But my creativity has gone stale and I am at a loss for Motivation. Safe to say I have relapsed into a few of my old habits. I still try to meditate every day at my Buddha Corner but its just reduced by a lot. As we are getting ready for yet another move, I am having to push aside my anxiety associated with family and deal with it. All those stares, forced rituals and uncomfortable questions I have always faced for being different is coming back to haunt me. I just hope I don't relapse into the 2019 version of myself. But for the sake of Shriram's career, I will shove that away and put on my smile the things you do for love?
My 24 year old wisdom somehow tells me I will be okay and better when I am not giving a rat's ass about what others have to say. I have literally seen people talk smack irrespective. So I guess, the moral of this massive khatha is : Do not ever change who you are in attempts to please others. You do you!

I am literally writing things I have held close to my heart that very few know about. In attempts of cleansing my soul from it all and forgiving myself. This has all been a whirlwind of a journey and I am super anxious about putting my dirty laundry out there forever for the world to see.
On later realization, whatever trauma I did face along the way had nothing to do with anyone else in my life but me. It was just acceptance. It was a battle raging within myself. I can't say who's won yet. I can't tell you its all over. However I can tell you this, I am working on it, learning to embrace my imperfections and exploring the path of self love. In the hopes that one day I can look back and see a life and a girl I am proud of.
If you made it this far. Wow! That was a lot of Brain Dump I have been lugging around for 2 something years. Now for the shameless plug, Don't forget to Like, Share this post to someone you think may relate if not feel a teensy better after reading this.
Kay Thaaanks!
XO,
Shruti Narayanan
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